Misery loves company

I feel miserable. I just peeled myself out of bed after laying there for an hour thinking about how miserable I was. Thank goodness. I am cleaning and re-reading old letters, paper and electronic. Thanks JA and JT for all the cards and thoughts throughout the years. Though, I still never found out who sent the green square card postmarked from Portland, ME reading “Nothings spoils peanut butter like unrequited love. -Charlie Brown” from Magpie, titled “Just a bit of utter randomness.” The great mysteries of life.

On being recognized in public

Not that this isn’t self-absorbed or anything. When you recognize someone, do you usually try to confirm your thoughts? I mean this wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for my mum hassling this baby.

I had my second sighting today while having brunch with my mum. She became preoccupied with this lady and her child next to us. While eating my deseert, I noticed the lady staring at me, then finally she asked if I worked at the Starbucks (I thought it’d be rude to say, “I’m sorry, we are not Starbucks. This is the Barnes & Noble CafĂ©. We only serve Starbucks coffee–You see we have this contract…”) at Eastridge. I looked up from my dessert, which was very good, and smiled, “Yes, yes I used to.”
“Oh, I thought you looked familiar. I used to study there, but the test is over now, thank goodness.”
“I’m glad too!”
(5 seconds elapsed)
“I mean, thank goodness your tests are over, not that you don’t go there anymore.”

I realized I wrote about the second without telling of the first. I suppose the first sighting would be at Albertsons when I wanted to get a sample of the ice cream at the Starbucks and the guy at the counter asked me if I worked at the Starbucks (I know, right?) in Barnes & Noble. Anyway, I am glad I was a memorable barista.

I think another memorable sighting was at my second yearbook camp this summer at Ida Price. Some girl in my class asked, “Aren’t you that girl that sang karaoke at St. Mary’s (California Yearbook Academy.. lame name)?” There are some good photos of that, but the files are in yearbook.

Man, am I fed up!

But isn’t “booby trap” such a funny phrase?

Why does something always come up and divert me from my smooth karmic course? Whatever! Because I am done with applications.

Ampersand is still missing but I’ve resumed a relationship with my mum, a little unwillingly, of course. Today, I finally put up “Missing Kitten” posters around the neighborhood with Jessica. It’s a strange feeling plastering posters around in public of something I’ve lost. Imagine if we did that with everything we’ve lost:

“Missing sanity! Missing happiness! Missing money! (Generous) reward, if found!”
I wonder if anyone would try to redeem the reward. So, I’ll wonder.

“You are an old soul” ~Ms. A

“But I don’t want to be!” ~M

I am sitting here on the floor with my Powerbook on my lap in front of my personal heater, looking at the seemingly endless pile of clean clothes I have to hang up. Oh, I have a face mask on too. It’s not the most pleasant sight, I suppose but some of the best ideas develop when most inconvenient or displeasant and you just have to write.

When was it more natural for people not to care? Has apathy become the norm that we are afraid to care? In a world where people are expected to do this and say that, have words become trite? Have people, things, ideas become so exhausted that we really just don’t care anymore?

A bevy of things have dawned on me this past week, too much that I don’t care to squander away any interest by mentioning them. Of course when I say dawn, I mean have happened and left me distressed. That’s besides the point, though. Since when have people just become people, as replaceable as your old pair of jeans? I am not sure if this is just the college and end of high school feeling harrowing in, but this feeling of dispassion is incomprehensible to me. I love a lot of people for themselves, for a number of qualities I don’t think I will find as a whole in other individuals. Sure, they say there are millions of people out there with your same interests, same hobbies, but you can’t replace someone as a whole so easily, can you? Their essence, maybe..

An old friend, a friend whom I admire for her intelligence, wit, sincerity and generosity, wrote me a letter today. Aside from the rushed handwriting that still was perfectly straight, I was taken aback by the content. It was daunting to realize some of the things she said. I don’t mean to make anyone feel small and she realizes this, but then, why, even from an assumed close friend, do these insecurities arise? What happened and why are some of the smartest, funniest and just, most fabulous people I know concerned about me, comparatively? This seems egocentric and as if I am qualifying my self-worth almost, but whatever, you should know better.

This isn’t what I was compiling in my head at the sink. I guess thoughts are lost from the bathroom to the bedroom–Maybe it is a good thing. My face mask is getting hard, to the point where I’m unable to show any emotion.. scary! More later as I eat this cake, given by N.

I am here to millify

Happy New Year! There’s a rather long story that goes with the subject, but suffice it to say it means to “kill the moment”.

Anywho, with that–It is great to see everyone so ambitious about their resolutions, but what is another day, of another month, of another year? Why couldn’t you start eating healthy yesterday? Why couldn’t you start reading more last month? Why couldn’t you save the world last year? Why now?

The new year marks such a shallow reason to be ambitious. Be ambitious on your own terms, they are called goals! Stop calling them resolutions as if you will remember them past February. For some, I may be completely wrong and out of my place as another jaded blogger, but whatever the case, do it because you want to! Because you can.. Right now! Because it is 12:29 a.m. and I am exhausted! And please, I welcome contention because sometimes, you need someone to contest your opinion before you understand it yourself. Fortunately, I have N there to contest everything I say.

I just looked back on last new year’s entry: Why is New Year’s such a big deal? As are birthdays! I don’t mean to be the cynic, but really, like in Alice in Wonderland– Wouldn’t you want a Happy Un-Birthday everyday? Or wouldn’t you want to start everyday with a resolution? Maybe we’d be more inclined to actually resolve them.

I am writing the same stuff every year! Hopefully aside from this constancy, I am still progressing as a person. You can never stop progressing, it just gets better.